Read this post if you think my tractor's sexy (Part One)

I have a confession to make. I... think I'm starting to like country music.

Gulp.

This summer I've been progressively exposed to more and more tidbits of  country music, and guess what? It's growing on me. My blind eyes are starting to see the light behind this treasure trove of what makes Amurrika so great ("fuck yeah!").

But it hasn't necessarily been of my own accord.

Wal-Mart, the grocery store, most bars, and even outside of the gas station err on the side of assuming that everyone wants to rock out to talent like the Trailer Park Choir, regardless of how much it makes your ears bleed. After all, who doesn't want to envision that beer-gutted dream of a gal, "sippin' on a Bud/ hangin' with her friends on a Friday night"? Hell yes I'll blow another dollar on a song, Monsieur Jukebox. That's dang good noise you got flowing out of them thar speakers!

All kidding aside, seeing as two out of every three radio stations in this part of the U.S. play some version of  country, it's kind of hard to avoid it.* I've tuned into those radio stations more often than I prefer to admit. All that time between patches of cell service has given me plenty of room to consider the few but legitimate redeeming aspects of this under-appreciated-by-most-Americans-except-for-those-folks-in-the-flyover-states genre. It's also given me time to consider the very specific conditions under which country music must operate in order not to suck.

Let's discuss.**

Things that country music has going for it:

1. The art of storytelling -- I've never heard a country song that doesn't include a plot of some sort. Most of them have to do with life events such as marriage, births, heartbreak, and the like. Many are artfully crafted, and their lyrics fall into rhyme seamlessly. 
2. Real, bonafide instruments -- None of that dub-step crap going on here. If anyone can prove to me that there's a better modern use for an autoharp, I'm all ears.
3. Real, bonafide talent -- Hank Williams, Johnny Cash, Dolly Parton, Emmylou Harris, Randy Travis, Alan Jackson, Linda Ronstadt, Dwight Yoakam, Garth Brooks, Gillian Welch, Willie Nelson, the Dixie Chicks, Waylon Jennings, Patsy Cline, Woody Guthrie, and my favorite Lyle Lovett, to name a few. 
4. Many sub-genres to choose from -- Seriously, this list is looooong. 
5. Two words: Josh Turner. WHY, OH WHY DID THIS DREAMBOAT OF A MAN HAVE TO GET MARRIED AT THE TENDER AGE OF 25? I definitely lost out on that one. Where was I when he was signing away his freedom and beginning to sow the seeds of fatherhood? Oh yeah...somewhere in Northern California, hanging out with dirty hippies and easily eating my weight in Ben and Jerry's ice cream. That explains it. 

Things that it does not:

1. LOTS of white people. (Although Darius Rucker is breaking that mold quite well...not bad stuff I'll admit.)
2. Covert, and not-so-covert, references to Christianity -- Save that for another genre like Gospel please. And yes, Josh Turner is guilty of this but he's perfect no matter what in my eyes, so I'll let it slide.
3. Waaaaaay too many double negatives -- Did anyone go to school and learn anything about how to form a proper sentence?
4. Oversimplifications galore -- Where do I start? Just like hip hop, the majority of the fans in this genre are not actually members of the demographic that created it. How many of us really have actually stacked a bale of hay in our lives? Didn't think so. So stop acting like you know about the plight of the country boy.
5. Repeated reflections on life's milestones and what makes us "us" -- Just a short list of what is regularly referenced in country songs: first love, first car, making out in the dark***/moonlight, how things are done "round here," cars, trucks, tractors, dancing, how it's 5 o'clock somewhere, what it's like to be a little bit of country and little bit of city, etc. etc. etc. Ugh, gag me with a spoon!
6. Lack of subtlety -- I concur, Natalie Maines. Everything is blatant, and not much is subtle. Where's the art these days?

Now mind you, the comments above pretty much only apply to mainstream "rock with a fiddle," as Neil Young coined it, and classic country (= country music before the 80s). I have yet to indulge on the many quirks of a particular subset of country that I find absolutely abhorrent/fascinating. I call it "bum country," my boyfriend lovingly calls it his kind of music.

Think I'll save that for the next post.

*Yes, that's a statistic I've only heard anecdotally but it's my blog so I get to cite it if I want.
**I realize that this post may be a bit inflammatory to some of my friends who are more serious country fans than me. That's ok! We're all entitled to our opinions. And I'm entitled to generalize because this is really a topic you could write a whole thesis on, not just a blog post. We'll keep it to 700 words or less this time around.
***I actually love this song.